Planets
by DelightingYouAlways
Summary: Zuko mourns the cost of choosing to follow the Avatar. When he looks at their happiness, he wonders where his own happiness is. Mai consumes him. Set on the night of the Boiling Rock.


**Note: This is a drabble. It really has no form or structure. It mixes Zuko's thoughts with his memories and his internal monologue. Scattered about are his descriptions of where he is and what he is doing to give a better sense of the setting of this fic. Italics alone are bits of lyrics from the song, 'Planets' by Kate Rusby. I was listening to it while writing this. Any other bold or italic font is simply for emphasis. Past and present tense are intermingled. Ending is abrupt.**

**I understand that Zuko might not be as prolific in his use of words and has a more economic use of them but for the sake of a drabble, he thinks in long stringy sentences.**

**Enjoy.**

**Disclaimer: I own neither 'Planets' nor 'Avatar: the Last Airbender'**

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_I can see the planets are aligning for me_

Combined with nervous anticipation and giddy enthusiasm; my fourteen year old self could not seem to comprehend the precariousness of my position with my father. As I sat there, nearly vibrating in my seat from the mere opportunity to be involved in one of father's war meetings, it never occurred to my once immature mind that anything could go wrong. Unadulterated horror took over me as I heard the plans of the general. During the moment in which I had leapt to my feet and spoken, realizing that the counsel, advisers and generals alike, had a similar expression of nonchalance and the most revolting look of antipathy, questions leapt out of the crevices of my mind. It was in that fraction of a second that I inwardly questioned my father's dictatorship and his methods used to conquer. And foolishly, I voiced those questions aloud and unedited.

_But I cannot read them for the future's all gone behind me_

The horror I had for the innocent and novice troops was not half of what I had for myself when I realized that the Agni Kai I was so eager to fight was against my own flesh and blood. Once I was banished and on the seas, searching for an elusive avatar, to say I berated myself for speaking out of line would be a severe understatement. Within the span of two days, the atmosphere of my world had evolved dramatically. Before the meeting, I was so sure of my destiny, so full of myself and the small part of me that ached for my father's approval was running rabid with excitement. I had even told Uncle beforehand that I felt that the endless stars in the night sky were hung for me. All I had to do was to reach out and take it.

_You said turn around, so I cannot see your tears falling _

Father was furious of course. If I wasn't about to bloody piss all over myself and if I wasn't so consumed by my fear I would have seen the loathing and disgust in his eyes. And I would have seen that the measure of his love was only as great as the measure of my strength and the measure of my worth as a servant towards him.

But I hadn't seen it. It is repulsive to recall how eager I was to please him. When the healers tended to me post battle, I wept out of pain and anguish, my father ordered me, as Fire Lord, to stop crying or to flip over to my side so that he wouldn't have to see my sorry face. He only stayed to give specific orders to the healers to leave the burn on my face.

_Through this world I am wandering_

_Wandering_

On hindsight, being banished was the best thing my father had ever done for me. Although it took a while, and caused irreparable damage to my personal relationships and admittedly...to my state of mind, eventually it sent me down what I choose to believe is the right path. The path which led to this patch of the earth and under this particular stretch of twilight. A few hours ago, it led to the bloody **boiling rock**. It was the just, the honorable thing to do. That is one choice I thought I could not question. Since the Fire Nation took away their mother, it was only right that I give them back their father. The smiles on their faces almost make it worth it. _Almost. _I had distanced myself from the surrogate family and found myself a spot of bare ground a good number of yards away from the campsite. Why? Because the jealousy I feel is intent on devouring me whole and it threatens to kick their father and Suki all the way back to the boiling rock just so the strings in my chest can be left alone.

_Soft breeze blowing, I am wandering now_

While Sokka and Katara feed off familial love and happiness, my stomach tosses in rebellion, determine to digest itself. And it begs Toph's long standing question: **Why didn't we get any food?** I roll out my mat and lie down, staring at the dark night sky in vain attempt to suppress turbulent thoughts. It's impossible to.

It is hard for me to imagine father being anything other than Fire Lord Ozai. I can see Azula as kind and philanthropic sooner than I can see Ozai with his arm around my shoulder, smiling down at me. The thought alone makes the hairs on my body stand up. While the jealousy I feel towards the family being reunited is significant, it is somewhat intangible because I know to my soul that father is not a father. However, the pang in my chest worsens as I remember Iroh. And it becomes absolutely unbearable when I remember Mai.

_Through the world I am wandering_

I can't use the word 'remember' because I never forgot her. She is always on my mind. She's under my skin, she's swimming in my blood and she runs through all the nerves in my mind. There's not an inch of my body that isn't possessed by her. The spaces in my hand need to be closed by her own hand. My eyes miss her beauty. My nose still remembers her scent. My ears wish to hear her voice. I miss her. So. Bloody. Much. At first the 'noble and righteous' streak in me fueled my every move and breath. But being good only goes so far. As I turn my back on the campsite and I feel the sting burning at the back of my eyes, it's clear that I desire her far more. The only times I regret leaving with Aang is when I am so wholly and utterly consumed by her. Doubts creep into my mind. I wonder if I'll ever get the chance to reunite with her. I imagine how our coupling might be so saccharine sweet in another life that it would make Mai throw up in her own mouth.

Thinking of her, before today, was so much easier. Then, I knew as long as she kept marching to Azula's beat she would be safe, comfortable and all right. The reason for my leaving her behind was clear as day. It doesn't matter what I am. I have fallen from grace so far now that the only way is going is up. I am the exiled traitorous son of the Fire Lord. But she, she is untainted and she doesn't need a boyfriend with that title dragging her down. Agni knows how the fire nation would see her if she followed me. I scarcely even want to imagine losing her in the crossfires after I forced her to choose sides. The reason **was** clear. Now it's all mucked up. Now I can't help but to think of the 'what if's' if I had begged her to follow me. I lie in a dirty puddle of guilt and regret. If she followed me, I could have protected her. I know it best that she hardly needs it. But I was her boyfriend. And I still feel like _her protector_. I knew Mai's views on the war although it was something we rarely talked about because of all the negative feelings and events connected to it and the bad, bad blood between my father and I. She dislikes needless violence. She rather disable her opponents than massacre them. And I don't need to think of the reasons why she follows Azula. I blanch, realizing that there was a high possibility she would have followed me. If she did, I may have been able to keep her safe.

Did I make a mistake leaving her behind? I **was** her boyfriend.

_Wandering_

Throughout the course of our relationship, Azula had always tried to manipulate us, she began because it entertained her and she continued because she thought she could control us by pulling on the proverbial strings that connected us. It was never discussed at great length, but we agreed that the time we spent together was honest, our feelings were honest and had nothing to do with Azula. Beyond that, from time to time - especially on occasions when Azula dragged or summoned Mai away from me - I wondered if Mai would take my side if she had to choose. Unfortunately, Agni had to answer my unspoken question.

**She picked me.**

And where does it land her? Caged. My Mai, locked behind a fucking cell. Or at least, that is how I imagine her punishment. Agni help me if Azula decides to kill her or torture her. Tears prick my eyes and I'm glad I pitched away from the campsite. I hate to cry, I nearly never do. I pull out the volcanic rock. I unroll my unsent letters to her. They are incoherent bumbling thoughts and spineless prose strung together in an awkward manner - the only way I know how. I think of her reading them with a single arched brow and a slightly bemused quirk of her lips and I smile. I would send her these letters, but Agni knows where the last one got me. And she deserves much more than stupid 'I'm sorry's or whiny declarations of love when I certainly don't deserve her.

So why did she pick me?

My mindless switching back and fourth on sides have made me lose the two people that were closest to my heart. I cannot imagine Uncle forgiving me. He gave me so much but I betrayed him. And regrettably, I betrayed Mai as well when I was banished and again when I left her that stupid letter. I am hopeful she still reciprocates my feelings, yet I can hardly wrap my mind around the idea. She must hate me but I won't allow myself to think that there's no future for us although. It's hard to. In the cell where we spoke, she was righteously angry and she cursed me to the high heavens for writing that stupid letter. _'You could've at least looked me in the eye when you ripped my heart out'._ I repeated, 'I'm doing this for my country.' But now that I reflect, I realize it was more for me than anyone else.

_These are days I live now_

Mai isn't stupid. She's incredibly foresighted, more so than myself. She knew the consequences but she chose me anyway. Mai sacrificed for me. It's much more than anything I had ever given her. I am coming to terms with the fact that everyone who tries to help me ultimately falls into trouble. Uncle Iroh in his cell. Mai in hers. I had a mission, a goal that was clear as day but now that I had hurt the two people I truly loved, all I can see was the cost of their sacrifice and I wonder if the casualties are worth it. It's not a rational comparison. The value of two people closest to my heart compared to the security of all four nations. Somehow, Mai and Uncle tip the scales over.

_On nights like these, I could fly up the sky above me_

The stars in the sky are plenty but they don't appeal to me. I roll the rock between my fingers, musing at the shape of it and the fond memories attached to it. Mai. I need to get back to her.

And I realize, on this very patch of land, with Aang sleeping peacefully a few yards away and our training session the next day; I am already on my way. Wiping away the moisture from my eyes, I make a decision. What good is it that I mourn their sacrifice? And my questions would have to wait. My groveling in self pity is done for the day.

No, I'll make it count.

And if I...and **when** it's all over, I'll find them and make things right.

The family's happy laughter and loud chattering is like salt on open wounds. The open affection between Suki and Sokka opens new ones.

But I'm determined to have my time. Someday I'd have a family of my own and all this jealousy and bitterness will subside. Uncle is my family. Mai is my heart. It's only the beginning.

I'll take it all back.

_Like superman, change the course of the earth below me_


End file.
